Oswestry girl allowed out at weekends
Lilly Fullwinkle from Lime Grove has been locked away in a secure environment for the past two and a half years. She suffers from Celobia, a debilitating fear of celibacy and as a result will try to engage herself with anyone that moves. However, last weekend the Chief Administration Board of her local care institution gave her permission to leave the centre for one weekend per month.
"We'll see how it goes", said Nigel Mipstack. "If she behaves herself, we'll extend it to every weekend and then take it from there but it is one step at a time at the moment. To be fair, apart from Bargy the cook, an incredibly attractive Argentinian boy, she hasn't tried to molest anyone for over 2 months now. We've been slipping egg yolk into her diet as much as possible and the estrogen seems to be having an affect."
In 1998, Lilly was arrested for stalking Countdown pundit and ivory tickler Rick Wakeman as he toured around the world promoting his new crisp (a venture that saw him waste millions trying to persuade distributors to buy his product - a single potato pressed into one massive crisp). She avoided a prison sentence but was then involved in a "civil unrest" dispute apparently leading to the questioning of Wakeman, Woosnam and Speilman (Max).
Rick Wakeman attempting to escape from Lilly, Cape Verdi 1997